Privacy Policy
With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.
Wow has anyone ever read one of these?
I have to have one of these dealios to explain how I comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because Zomer knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
Also I don’t really know what these things are. I'm just an under-heighted writer who thought I’d have a laugh and share my stories with the world.
Short Words
The best bit about the GDPR is that all this has to be “concise, transparent, intelligible and easily accessible” so hold on to your hats, kids, this is going to be the shortest, clearest and best freakin’ privacy policy you ever did see.
So. Here we go…
I'm just one overstretched person and I don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I'm not evil – I'm as corruptible as anyone – I'm just too busy writing to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.
I collect and store the info I need to provide you with the items you buy from me. I occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.
Cookies
Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. Yes I use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want my delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to.
Stalky Visitor Tracking
Look, I'm following you, ok? I use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like.
It doesn't store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that I’d know what to do with it. All I see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with me by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing my stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE READING MY BOOKS.
Data Storage
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. I store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
Here on this website! If you register with the site, I will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from me, I will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to me, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. I obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only one person has access to it. Only I ever actually look at it and that’s to solve any technical problems you might have.
I’ll be honest: I do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. I may use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. For e.g. if you buy one of my books, I’ll occasionally ask you if you want to buy another one. Does that make me an EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?
MailerLite! If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on my site – newsletter, book, merch, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to MailerLite, which is the system I use to manage my newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.
Payment Details
When you buy stuff, you pay through Stripe or PayPal. The only payment-based details I hold on my site is how much you’ve spent and that you've paid. I have no bank or card details or nada here. Stripe is GDPR compliant. PayPal is being totally weird about it but will have to be GDPR compliant or everyone in Europe will have to stop using it and probably they don’t want that.
Email marketing thingys and newsletters
If you sign up to my newsletter, I will send you a newsletter – generally around one a month, but occasionally more if there is more interesting stuff to tell you. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in MailerLite.
MailerLite automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link, I KNOW. If you open an email, I KNOW. If you ignore me reminding you to keep reading, I KNOW.
The most important thing about this is I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
Your right to be deleted
FINE. GO THEN. I DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck us an email at contact@lissae.com and I’ll delete all the info I have on you from my system while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could have possibly done wrong.
This does not include Stripe or PayPal. If you want to delete your Stripe or PayPal accounts you have to do that yourself via Stripe or PayPal . I cannot delete your purchase history because the tax man will be terribly upset.
Social Media and all that Stuff
I use social media a lot, partly to promote my books but mostly as a vehicle for our creative endeavours. If you talk to me on my Facebook page and I become familiar with you, I might find you on Instagram or Twitter and say hello. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will of course respect your boundaries.
You are not required to follow my social media accounts. If anyone turns out to be racist, bigoted, homophobic dipshits then I wanna know so I can tell them to go to hell.
Got it? Read it? Done it? WELL DONE YOU! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.